Introduction

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Everything has to have a reason to exist. If it doesn’t have one, or isn’t allowed one, then what is its purpose? But then, what is anyone’s purpose?

I started to write this account not as an all-encompassing record of my life, but rather a mémoire as an exploration of one rather specific aspect of my outwardly simplistic being. My existence and how I have conducted it has turned out a rather peculiar paradox. While externally living a ‘normal’ well-adjusted life, in the background I have avidly fed a disquieting need that I had, for most of the time, never imagined as a definable problem; until the circumstances that started me to write this account.

The core subject of the dialogue centres on the period from 2009 and my rather unexpected arrest, the experiences while on remand in prison, my conviction, and the subsequent court proscribed rehabilitation programme. Written around these fascinating and sometimes frustrating episodes, are many of the wider experiences of growing up that I consider may have contributed to that life changing set of events.

This volume is not an attempt to excuse the things that I have done, or shame the people that have been integral parts in the very complicated and diverse processes of life. It is more specific than that and deliberately so.

In the writing I have explored what I think have been explicit episodes that may have contributed towards creating the parts of me that would eventually fall foul of the law and moral society.

It is not an attempt at self-justification. While I am not arrogant enough to think that I will ever be considered unique, I do understand the stigma that goes with certain subjects; sex and sexuality being just two of them. Despite, or maybe because of this, I have tried my best not to make the very real events overtly salacious or shocking although many of the things that have happened to me and because of me, are what they are. Although sometimes raw and often graphic, I have considered that they couldn’t nor shouldn’t be omitted for the sake of sparing the readers blushes.

From all the roller coaster events in this mémoire, my one hope is that it shows how it is possible to work through many difficulties and come out the other side; definitely changed and hopefully better. Over-riding all the personal aspects, I hope that it may be a warning or perhaps a guide for anyone else that has been through, is still participating in or even sees themselves heading for the ill perceived glamour of similar life choices.

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